A short time back, I had a mild interest in getting a workout by taking a self-defense class. It's so hot here that if you attempt to go outside and exercise you could drop dead from heat exhaustion or sun stroke, so I thought looking into some of the local indoor gyms could be worth investigating. Many businesses down here will offer your first session free. The first I tried was a South Beach boxing gym. Once I signed in, I was handed a ridiculously over sized pair of boxing gloves. Like the kind you'd imagine two bikini clad spring breakers being hosed down with bottles of Budweiser wearing. The next 30 minutes involved an apathetic instructor who was obviously an aspiring male model play with his iphone while he yelled things like "annnd JUMPING JACKS!!-2-3-4-5-annnd PUSH UPS!!-2-3-4-5!!" while obnoxious techno music blared. There were heavy bags hanging to the left and right of us and never once did he teach anyone how to properly throw a punch. He would just yell "NOW PUNCH THE BAG AS FAST AS YOU CAN FOR 30 SECONDS!!". His demands were so random and changed so quickly that at one point I dropped down to the ground to begin my 1st push up and he already was on 5 and yelling "CRUNCHES!!-2-3-4-5". I sat there on the ground and looked at him. He wasn't even paying attention to anyone. I didn't see him look up for the next 3 minutes as he barked orders. I took off my boxing gloves, took them to the counter and just walked out the door. I'm not even sure if Clubber Wang saw me leave.
My next experiment was a small Jiu-Jitsu class being held on the second floor, above a dirty looking bodega. There were 8 of us and the instructor in this pretty small, matted room. He had us start off by warming up. We did the usual push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, and ran around this mat in tight circles. I have to admit, this instructor seemed to know what he was doing and was giving us his undivided attention. I was working up quite a sweat and thinking this could be what I was looking for. Next he demonstrated some defense moves. I followed along, pretending I was Storm Shadow. Then we moved on to grappling, which turned to be my downfall. It's my own fault I didn't really research Jiu-Jitsu ahead of time to see that it's mainly a grappling self-defense. The instructor asked one of the most experienced students to come forward and he demonstrated taking the guy down to the mat and then squeezing together his appendages like an giant anaconda. The veins in the students neck were throbbing and his eyes were bulging out of their sockets as he was crushed to submission. I immediately was like Fuu-uuuck Me when he told us to pair up with a partner. Next thing I know I'm on the ground getting hog-tied with my own limbs. My partner is all on me, shifting around and I can't help thinking that maybe he's more into this than he should be. I am in South Beach, after all. As I am cursing myself for my current situation and already planning my escape as soon as this class is over, the guy flips me on my back and twists my arm painfully, putting all his weight on my chest. The next part happened in slow motion. I remember looking up and seeing his face inches from mine in a sweaty snarl of dominating pleasure. One particular drop of perspiration between his eyes began to snowball down his face, picking up more sweltering secretions and finally dropping off the end of his nose. It seemed for what felt like forever, and landed on my cheek, centimeters from the corner of my mouth. I was pinned down, unable to move and whimpering in revulsion. As soon as I was unshackled, I went home and took an extremely long shower, never to return.