Thursday, August 2, 2012

Fresh Balls

I never had jock itch before I lived on the surface of the Sun, and like Nate Dogg sang it "Ain't No Fun".  The itch is omnipotent.  Crotch rot is an infectious fungus which lives and thrives in warm, moist areas...also known as South Florida.  I always thought jock itch was centralized to the area between your inner thighs and groin area, but creeps all the way up onto your balls for Pete's Sake!  All you can do for temporary relief is constantly yank at your sack!  It seemed that my good ol' go-to bottle of Gold Bond ball powder just couldn't compete with the never yielding dog day dankness of Dade County.  After a series of small victories thanks to an aerosol sprayed assault of Lotrimin AF, I was able to kill the cursed beast once and for all.  During this time, I heard an ad on Howard Stern for a product called Fresh Balls.  I listened to the testimonials and at this point was willing to try anything.  I submitted my order and got free shipping thanks to the Howard Stern promotional code.  My bottle arrived within the week and I didn't hesitate to slap it on my sweaty sack!

 JGoon's Application Procedure:
1. Shake before use (the lotion, not your dork)
2. Put a small amount in your hand and rub over your balls and inner thigh.  Think of the boundaries being your shaft and taint.  Don't be afraid to get all up in there!  At this stage, for some reason I make a funny face consisting of intense concentration and instant relief from the coolness of the application.  If my wife catches me amidst this procedure, she makes fun of this face and will mimic my expression.
4. At this point you want it to dry.  I'll usually manually fan myself with my boxers or a towel, but if at all possible I will use my wife's hair dryer and set the fan for cool.  Oh my lord, it's a mind scramble.

I've been using Fresh Balls for about a year or more and am happy to report I've had no more visits from the fungal fairy!  The product is advertised as aluminum free and not tested on animals, so just like your balls, you can give your conscience a rest.  A tube usually lasts me a couple of months.  I do admit I still have to powder the doughnuts a few times after work, but remember I do live on the extreme side of  hot & humid climate.  Fresh Balls has definitely made it more tolerable for my nether regions to exist in this clammy netherworld.

1 comment:

  1. Why would you need this product? The nights in Miami are like velvet.