Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Purse Trick

Trick or Treat?!  How 'bout a trick for the kiddies?  I grew up as a member of a motley crew of juvenile hooligans who perfected the art of the prank.  The stars must've been aligned to have so many cretins concentrated in such a small community.  We were the mad scientists of mischief and we had quite the arsenal.  There was pumpkin smashing (but, never before Oct 31st), lob bombing, cobbing, dumpster dragging, mailbox baseball,  blitzkriegs, winging, slinging, penny-tapping, toilet papering (on an epic scale), street-bowling, and concocting works bombs to name a few...but one of our favorites (and actually quite innocent in the grand scheme of it all) was The Purse Trick...
  • GET A PURSE:  Don't use your mom's or sister's.  You're going to have to go to salvation army and pick one up for a couple of bucks.  It's not going to be coming home with you after this trick is over.
  • GET SOME SHIT:  Dog shit is more accessible, but depending on how personal you want to make it, you may want to use your own poo.
  • PUT THE SHIT IN THE PURSE:  That's right, go ahead and deposit this excrement into the purse you've just acquired.  If you're going to personalize it, then go into a bathroom stall and aim carefully!  It's not as easy as you think!  I vaguely remember a group collective duke, as in everyone who's in on the prank taking turns squeezing one out...seems weird now, but hey, who am I to judge?  I'm just some knucklehead who's shit in a purse.  Go ahead and get creative!
  • LEAVE PURSE IN DESIRED LOCATION & SAFELY WATCH THE MADNESS ENSUE FROM NEARBY HIDING PLACE:  I've found that the best locations are at ATM's.  It appears as if some absent-minded person left it while making their transaction.  Now, you have to pick one that has some bushes or someplace to hide within eyesight, because if you can't see the prank then what fun is that?  
The most common victim of this trick will be the quick grab.  They usually notice the purse, thrash their head left to right to see if anyone's looking, and then blindly thrust their grubby paw into the purse while still checking to make sure they're not being seen.  Their first reaction will be puzzlement, due to the unexpected texture and warmth they're feeling.  As they withdraw their hand, the stench is quickly pulled out along with it and bewilderment turns quickly to disgust and anger.  This is when you need to be careful.  You will be holding in your laughter, and if you're caught (depending on victim) you could be in for a chase and/or a beating.  That's why it's always best to be with a group.  They most likely will only be able to go after one of you.  Strength in numbers, so to speak. 

Some other memorable victims would include this kid who was with his mom at the ATM.  She personally didn't notice the purse, but she also didn't notice her boy noticing the purse.  Next thing you know, Junior was elbow deep and innocently stated to his mother, "Look Ma, melted chocolate..."

Another was a guy who saw the purse and in one fluid motion just snatched it.  He power-walked for blocks (all of us following, holding in our laughter at a safe distance), until he got to his apartment building and went inside.  We didn't get the chance to see his reaction firsthand, but we imagined him getting to his apartment and dumping the purse's contents on his kitchen table.  Plop!  Surprise!!

There is also the dreaded "do-gooder" to keep an eye out for.  One such person picked up the purse, and since it was after banking hours, decided to turn it in to the Blockbuster video next door.  Of course we silently followed her in, hiding behind shelves of VHS boxes.  The employee took the purse behind the counter, assuring her he'd hold it in case whoever lost it came in looking for it.  After gaining our composure, one of us mustered up the courage to ask for our purse back.  He described the missing purse to the tee, but the employee said "Sorry, we don't have it".  He must have been planning on taking it himself.  Finally one of us said, "Listen, that's my purse right there..." pointing behind the counter.
"Do you have any identification in it?"
"No, but that's my shit inside it..."
The female manager looked dumbfounded at the video clerk.  "It smells like shit..." he agreed.  She peeked inside, "That's EXACTLY what it is!  GET IT OUT OF HERE!!"

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Chariots Of Fire!!!

This vehicle can be seen driving around the wastelands of Miami Beach, claiming to be a "Party Bus"... I believe it to be a caravan to Hell. You can see the poor souls on fire, trying to claw their way out of the infernal inferno in this photo.  So before you slam another mojito and walk through oncoming traffic to jump on your puke wagon, remember to read the shirt you just bought while walking barefoot and acquiring Hepatitis along putrid Washington avenue…”YOU’RE IN MIAMI, BITCH!"
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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Full Friction Pharmacy

...For ALL your illegal prescription drug and hand-job needs!!!

Stay classy, Miami Beach...

Friday, October 12, 2012

Spring Break! Tits!!

14th & Alton Rd.
Miami Beach, FL

This is on a newspaper box and always makes me laugh.

Stay classy, Miami Beach...
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