Friday, November 23, 2012

Saturday, November 17, 2012

At The Movies

Going out to the movies is overrated.  Let's be honest here.  The "magic" of going to the theaters to have this holy cinematic experience is gone forever.  Trust me, you're going to pay good money to be disappointed and/or unknowingly bring home bed bugs...or maybe not go home at all and be killed by some maniac.  The war for theater etiquette has been lost to the vapid, brainless cattle who are all cracking up at the "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" trailer.  Want to see something scary about our society?  Next time a godawful preview like this comes on the screen, look around at the amount of people laughing at this horseshit...and know they're breeding.  Do you really want to sit among these people for the next two plus hours?
  • hordes of glowing i-phones
  • dub-step ringtones
  • viewers who need someone to loudly translate the entire film to them
  • people who chew with their mouths open
  • parents who bring their babies to the 11pm showing of "Paranormal 4" (You are a terrible person)
  • mouth breathers
  • gum-snappers
  • meat-heads
  • late-comers
  • that annoying guy in the back with the weird laugh
  • irritating, jabbering teenagers who are not even remotely interested in whatever is on the screen
  • the diseased, coughing & sneezing without covering their mouths
This is your company as you try to decipher the latest Christopher Nolan mind-bender.  It never fails that when I go to a movie, I sit somewhere as far away from anyone else and even if there are 10 people in the entire theater, the movie will start and 15 minutes in, some asshole will sit right next to me and proceed to open a crinkling bag of chips.  Why would i want to go to the theaters to sit with a bunch of assholes chomping on boneless chicken wings and pizza (what happened to just having some popcorn and a box of goobers?) when I can buy the blu-ray and watch it in the comfort of my own home for less than the price of two tickets?  I can crack open a fine craft beer and sit on my own couch, pausing the movie at my own convenience.  Need to use the restroom?  You will never miss that pivotal scene again.  Simply, pause and we'll start right back up where we left off upon your return.  Drop the kids off at the pool too, if you like.  I don't mind, I can wait.  I have technology at my side.
The other thing is that movies nowadays have to be 2 and a half hours long.  What the fuck?  The perfect length of a movie is 90 minutes.  If I'm sitting in a movie theater holding my piss for more than 2 hours, there better be some fucking hobbits in it.

Saturday, November 10, 2012


Please don't try to sell me anything when I'm driving my vehicle.  I don't want a stolen copy of the Miami Herald.  I don't want any of the water you bottled in the shitter at the nearby 7-11.  I don't want any of your fucking mangoes or avocados.  I don't want to donate to your cause in exchange for a 3 foot long pixie stick candy straw.   Those haven't looked appetizing since I was 10 years old.  I don't want to donate to your high school football team.  Do your parents know that you are aimlessly walking in the middle of a major intersection asking for handouts?  Are you even in high school?  You look older than I do.  Hey, I have no problem donating to a worthy cause, just not while I'm behind the wheel.  And to all you blockheads who encourage this behavior by pretending your car is a place to barter for goods, well fuck you too.   Sure, we don't mind waiting while you get change for the fucking orchid you decided to buy on a whim.  Don't mind me, I've just been sitting in traffic under the blazing Florida sun for the last 15 minutes, waiting for the green arrow to complete my left turn, so I can continue on with my life...I can catch the next one.  It is a common courtesy that should be respected amongst drivers to not make transactions while operating your vehicle.  If you are buying from these solicitors you are obstructing traffic and should be ticketed, then flogged.  In fact, don't ask me for anything while I'm driving.  I will not acknowledge your existence.  I don't know you.  I don't trust you.  It's a safety issue for all involved. I need to stay focused on the road.  Driving is serious business and being a pedestrian maneuvering in South Florida traffic is like playing Russian roulette. It's a deathtrap out here.  Next time some toothless motherfucker raps on your window, don't promote their practice .  Simply roll up your window and point to your "No Solicitors" magnet you have affixed to your door.  They probably won't know what it means, but knowing is half the battle!!