Saturday, November 17, 2012

At The Movies

Going out to the movies is overrated.  Let's be honest here.  The "magic" of going to the theaters to have this holy cinematic experience is gone forever.  Trust me, you're going to pay good money to be disappointed and/or unknowingly bring home bed bugs...or maybe not go home at all and be killed by some maniac.  The war for theater etiquette has been lost to the vapid, brainless cattle who are all cracking up at the "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" trailer.  Want to see something scary about our society?  Next time a godawful preview like this comes on the screen, look around at the amount of people laughing at this horseshit...and know they're breeding.  Do you really want to sit among these people for the next two plus hours?
  • hordes of glowing i-phones
  • dub-step ringtones
  • viewers who need someone to loudly translate the entire film to them
  • people who chew with their mouths open
  • parents who bring their babies to the 11pm showing of "Paranormal 4" (You are a terrible person)
  • mouth breathers
  • gum-snappers
  • meat-heads
  • late-comers
  • that annoying guy in the back with the weird laugh
  • irritating, jabbering teenagers who are not even remotely interested in whatever is on the screen
  • the diseased, coughing & sneezing without covering their mouths
This is your company as you try to decipher the latest Christopher Nolan mind-bender.  It never fails that when I go to a movie, I sit somewhere as far away from anyone else and even if there are 10 people in the entire theater, the movie will start and 15 minutes in, some asshole will sit right next to me and proceed to open a crinkling bag of chips.  Why would i want to go to the theaters to sit with a bunch of assholes chomping on boneless chicken wings and pizza (what happened to just having some popcorn and a box of goobers?) when I can buy the blu-ray and watch it in the comfort of my own home for less than the price of two tickets?  I can crack open a fine craft beer and sit on my own couch, pausing the movie at my own convenience.  Need to use the restroom?  You will never miss that pivotal scene again.  Simply, pause and we'll start right back up where we left off upon your return.  Drop the kids off at the pool too, if you like.  I don't mind, I can wait.  I have technology at my side.
The other thing is that movies nowadays have to be 2 and a half hours long.  What the fuck?  The perfect length of a movie is 90 minutes.  If I'm sitting in a movie theater holding my piss for more than 2 hours, there better be some fucking hobbits in it.

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