Friday, July 13, 2012
If I Could Have A Superpower...It Would be...
...to point at someone and slowly pull the trigger...the result...a Free Falling Skydive Of Fecal Discharge. Yes, I'm talking about making someone Shit In Their Pants with but a single thought. There could be nothing more rewarding. An enemy Slain By Brain Of Anal Drain. Intellect hellbent on Telekinetic Violent Rear End Eruptions Of Vengeance. Being able to fly...strength...invulnerability....Nothing could compare to staring a nemesis in the eyes and squeezing The Trigger Of The Trots.
Think about it...some Asshole cuts you off (no signal) and then applies the brakes. You point & pull the Shit-Monger Induction Of Destruction...Shoulders hunch, car swerves and plunges into the ocean...No Survivors.
An irate customer asks to speak to your manager. With but a Shower Of Crap Finger Snap, lips quiver. But these lips are not of the face...oh no. Not Yet. Before those quiver, his asshole is speaking sloppy Spanglish to his Square Bob Spongepants.
Think of any situation and tell me there would be anything more satisfying. Someone skips you at CVS? BLART!!! Someone is obnoxiously loud on their cellphone? HSSSPHHT!!! Teenagers continuously talking in a darkened movie theatre? ShhPLOOT!!! HsssSLOSHH!!! A dog takes a shit on your front lawn and the owner doesn't pick it up? ROOOWRRR?! (whoops hit the dog) PFFFFSHHT!!!(that's better)...
You can keep your radioactive spider or your gamma rays. I pray for the Dark Lord Of Dung to bestow The Know Of The Brown Fluid Flow! The Gift Of The Short Wick Gravy Slick! The Magical Power Of The Chocolate Lava Shower!!!
IN BLAZING DAY, IN HUMID NIGHT,
NO ASSHOLE SHALL ESCAPE MY SIGHT
LET THOSE WHO BEHAVE IMPOLITE,
BEWARE MY POWER, THE SHIT SHARK'S BITE!!!