Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Driving In South Florida

     South Florida drivers are the worst I’ve ever seen.  I’ve lived in New York City, where the volume of traffic is even greater, but at least the people there know how to drive.  If there is anything as small as a standard traffic stop, every single South Florida driver has to rubberneck and create a unnecessary traffic jam, because every South Florida driver is a nosy, obnoxious asshole with Styrofoam peanuts bouncing around in their cranium.  Their ignorance of the laws and just plain common sense is astounding.  Maybe it’s partially due to the fact that driver’s education is not required in Florida to operate a potential killing machine. You are only required to be home schooled by your parents, who most likely are terrible drivers themselves, before taking your exam with some other fool, (who most likely has a pharmaceutical scam going on the side).  Another part of the problem is that you rarely see the police enforcing the traffic laws.  If you tried to just park your vehicle in a lane of traffic while chatting with a friend who’s walking their dog on the sidewalk (cars backed up for blocks behind) where I'm from, you'd have a ticket in less than 10 minutes!  From these tickets you learn not to do this shit!!  People do whatever the fuck they want to here with no consequence.  I'm in favor of a police state, at this point.
     Their biggest failure is their brains not being able to understand the cause and effect of the “blinker” or turn signal.  They actually take pride in their stupidity!  “We don’t use blinkers in Florida!  Ha Ha!”  I’ve actually heard people say this.  Well guess what dumb-fuck?  YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!  When did it become uncool to use a blinker?  Why is this even a question?!  Being able to indicate to other drivers your intentions is a form of vehicle communication.  With this communication we could potentially reduce the hours and hours of life wasted sitting on the pavement in this nightmare of Florida traffic.  It really is such a simple, yet effective tool.  It's a shame your brains are second-fiddle.  
     Look!  There is a flashing sign above the highway letting us know that this coming weekend there will be work performed on exit 77!  Well, being as half of the population can’t read English, they assume it’s a warning of some kind and immediately slow down fearing the unknown and/or deportation.  Anytime you see a flashing sign, just know you're fucked.
     Oh God!  It’s raining!!  Even the lightest of showers sends shivers down the spines of the drivers in this realm of dipshits.  Even in their massive SUVs, with tire treads tough enough to off-road through the Everglades, they can’t grasp the concept that their condo on wheels is built to drive in the rain.  The common reaction to any kind of water hitting the windshield is to:

A) Reduce speed to 25mph
B) Turn on your hazards (this must be the use for this button)
C) Immediately go into the far left lane (no blinker)

     Much of your time spent behind the wheel in South Florida involves gridlock traffic, especially on the highway.  Up ahead the right lane will be closed due to construction.  A merge sign is presented.  This is interpreted by the South Floridian Neanderthals to stay in the right lane as long as you can, only to merge at the last moment.  Fuck everyone else!  Another common practice which baffles me, are the cars that literally speed by, passing everyone using the emergency lane.  Go Fuck Yourself!  I've probably witnessed this a hundred times and NOT ONCE have I seen any type of law enforcement punishment.  Speaking of lawlessness, it seems that motorcycles & mopeds here do not need to adhere to any type of rules either, as they wear sandals and no helmets and lanes don't exist to them.  The best is when you are the first car at a red light.  They will come from behind, pull alongside your vehicle and then just park right ahead of you.   Oh, I'm sorry...I didn't see you there..(light turns green)  Fuck you Blanco Diablo!  Another common one I haven't witnessed until living here, begins with the same scenario as before.  You're the first car waiting at a red light.  There is another car across from you, waiting just like yourself.  The light turns green and that car floors it and turns in front of you and everybody else.  Very Prouda Ya FuckFace!!!  But, be very careful to lay on the horn or tell someone how you feel, as they are likely armed.  I've seen someone honk at another driver and that person sped past them, blocked their passage, got out of the vehicle, punched the honker in the mouth and drove off. 
     South Florida is also one of the least pedestrian friendly cities in the entire US.  You can be waiting at a pedestrian crossing with a baby in a carriage, standing underneath a bright yellow sign and in the middle of the road is a flashing electronic billboard stating that it is STATE LAW TO YIELD TO PEDESTRIANS.  VIOLATORS WILL BE TICKETED!!  and not one person will stop...and not one person will be ticketed.  Pretty much, the rule of thumb for any pedestrian in South Florida trying to cross any type of road would be to always look around you, 360 degrees for any potential vehicle that could kill you.  Even going so far as to predicting possible threats before they actually happen.  Just remember that just because you made it to the sidewalk, you're still not safe and could die at any moment... Perhaps by a 16 year old high on bath salts going home from clubbing Tuesday night.

     Here's some additional advice:    
  • Don’t come here unless absolutely necessary. 
  •   Stay away from white vans, BMW's, vehicles with more than one registration sticker & vehicles hauling anything (roofing tar, couches, hot dogs, etc.) as they are most likely not properly hitched.
  •  Avoid taxis, as they are the worst drivers by far.  Nothing against taxi drivers (NYC’s are excellent), but they really don’t give a fuck about getting anywhere (especially with a paying passenger) and will delay your journey
  • Keep in mind that for some reason it’s perfectly legal here to make a U-turn at a traffic light and also to throw your workers or family in your truck bed and get on the highway for a road trip.   
  • The left lane is the slowest and the right lane will be the fastest.  Standard operating procedure for most Floridians is to immediately pull into the left lane and slow down.  Just remember, everything is ass-backwards here in the land of sunshine.  Whatever may seem logical, expect the opposite to happen.  If you apply this concept to everything in South Florida, you may survive your stay.  Pretend you're living on Htrae... you know, Bizarro's home planet.      
     Sometimes when I'm having an extra bad day driving home, it amuses me to pretend I have telekinetic powers and I pick up the offending vehicles, Kids In The Hall-style and throw them into the ocean.  I imagine the hell spawn of a driver contorting in agony as his body is crushed and then set ablaze in an explosion of metal, before sinking into the murky depths of the Atlantic, picked apart by the sharks, their bloody stumps laying to rest with empty beer bottles and discarded hypodermic needles on the ocean floor.  

Almost home...

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