Saturday, December 22, 2012

Dark Knight Rises Actually Quite Flaccid

***spoilers, duh...***

What a bloated disappointment.  Be prepared, this is another nearly 3 hour movie in which Batman is actually on screen maybe 30 minutes.  In fact, it takes nearly an hour for Bruce Wayne to stop acting like a fucking baby and put on the cape and cowl.  I guess he is in this 7 year depression over the loss of his childhood sweetheart Rachel Dawes.  Well, the Batman I know wouldn't be hobbling around in self pity.  He's built up a nearly impenetrable wall of emotion after his parents' death and dedicated his fucking life to being the Dark Knight.  Then enters Anne Hathaway as Catwoman...

Shortly after meeting Bruce, she simply kicks out his crutch and he falls to the floor like a simpleton and she escapes with his murdered mother's pearl necklace.  OK...sure.  Anne Hathaway is terrible in this role.  My eyeballs are sore from rolling them every time she comes on the screen.  She takes the character in a such a typical cornball/sex kitten direction.  Is she a lesbian?  Is she straight?  Who knows...who cares.  There was no chemistry between her and Christian Bale.  Honestly, she wasn't even needed in this story.

Then Alfred brings up Bane to Bruce Wayne and it sounds like he is reading his wikipedia page.  Bane's voice sounds like the fucking Emperor from Star Wars.  Lets talk about the fight...  Batman gets his ass mopped across the floor when they first meet.  I would guess he lands like 3 punches and the rest is Bane fucking him up with the power of the incredible Hulk.  Yet, no Venom?  You know, the drug that Bane injects into himself to become...well, Bane.  I guess he just has the fucking strength of Crocmaster, or some shit.  And then he breaks his back...

He decides not to kill Batman and throws him in this hole with a bunch of other prisoners.  Some random homeless guy punches his vertebrae into place and days later he's doing push ups and pull ups.  If they're gonna pull some horseshit like this, than I'd rather see the Atom jump down his throat with his trusty medical bag and perform a proper surgery than this 5 minute montage.  He makes a full recovery and meets up with Bane for round two.  Now after the last ass-whooping, Batman all of a sudden grows a pair and gives it back to Bane in spades.  Funny, I didn't see Mr. Miyagi in that fucking hole.  Where did he all of a sudden become a bad-ass again?

Why not just bring back Ra's al Ghul?  His daughter Talia was introduced and subsequently banged by the Batman.  It was the perfect setup for the notion of  their secret love-child, and FOURTH* Robin, Damian from the classic Son Of The Demon story.  Which brings up the rookie cop Blake, whose legal name is revealed to be Robin.  Ugh...  Is that supposed to mean Tim Drake?  The THIRD robin who was discovered by Batman stealing the Bat-mobile's hubcaps??  Don't remember him being in the GCPD.  Besides, you can't fucking skip Dick Grayson.  That's fucking sacrilegious!   NIGHTWING RULES!!

And how about that overacting "Captain Foley" of GCPD.  Could he have tried any harder to be an over-the-top dingbat?

3rd Movie Curse...

It was pretty to look at though.

* I don't count Stephanie Brown a.k.a. Spoiler as a Robin

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